Hurt
by Sophia.Love.Linstead
Summary: Set after 'Don't bury this case'. Erin and Jay clearing the air after the case.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.**

 **A/N; I know I need to update my story 'What if' but there are so many ideas for Season 4 episodes. This is going to be 2 or 3 parts. I had an idea of how this would go in my head, when I wrote it down though it sort of took a mind of it's own.  
**

 **Enjoy :)**

Hurt

Anger is still coursing in my veins as I enter the apartment and slam the door behind me, Jay can find his own way home.

I make my way to the kitchen to find some dinner only to give up and make my way to the bedroom realising my anger has robbed me of my hunger tonight.

For a few moments I want to leave and run far away from my home, a place I usually feel safe and secure.

This will be our first fight and there is no escape.

The hot water from the shower scolds my skin but I can't find it in me to care, I just want to forget this day ever happened. Pretend everything is alright and get in bed with my boyfriend.

I can't continue lying to myself though; Jay's words hurt me.

When the shower runs cold I finally shut it off and dry myself slowly before wrapping the fluffy towel around my red body.

The first thing I notice when I exit the bathroom is Jay locking his gun away.

"Hey, you didn't wait for me." He doesn't turn around at first and I glare at him.

He finally turns around when the silence has stretched to an uncomfortable amount.

"Babe?" His eyes run over my body and he raises that eyebrow in his sexy way.

I turn towards the draws to distract myself and not let him pull me in with his charms and good looks.

"What's wrong?" His voice is full of confusion when he finally clues onto the fact that I'm ignoring him.

"If you don't know… if you couldn't recognise the hurt on my face when you said it then, figure it out." I slam the draw shut so hard to bounces back against the wall.

I walk back into the bathroom to drop the towel and put on the shorts and a tank top.

Jay hasn't moved an inch when I come back into the bedroom, sitting on my side of the bed and going through my nightly routine of moisturizing my arms and legs.

"Erin? I thought we were fine." A scoff falls past my lips as I roll my eyes, willing myself not to cry. There has just been too much pain and suffering lately.

Between the cops being targeted in our city, Jay's increased nightmares he won't talk about and his continual insistence that he's fine.

Now add my dad coming out of the woodwork; I'm exhausted and teetering on the edge of a break down.

After the stress from this case I'm ready to shut down completely to avoid a break down.

"You think because we made out in the car for work that everything is fine? That we're okay? We're not." My voice is incredulous as his assumption.

"You haven't indicated different all day."

"Cut the crap Jay. We were at work; Hank would never allow this if we aired our personal relationship at work. I was keeping it professional so we could still have this. Have us."

"Almost sounds like you don't want it anymore." I can tell by the look on his face he regrets those words and wishes he could swallow them back up.

I gently dab some cream on my face before crawling into bed.

"Turn the light off when you're done."

"Erin." Jay tries while coming closer.

"Don't. Goodnight Jay." My tone is sharp and forceful.

He sighs before giving up and turning towards the bathroom to shower, his anger will only increase when he realizes there is only cold water left.

* * *

It's been a long and awkward thirty minutes laying side by side, not speaking or touching. We can both feel the anger radiating around the room and consuming us.

"Are you awake?" Jay finally asks.

"No." I mumble back, instantly regretting trying to lighten the mood when all I want to do is kick him out of the bed.

"We need to talk about this Erin, I don't want to go to sleep angry. Let's settle this, please." His voice is pleasing and I can feel his eyes on me.

I almost cave but turn over so he's staring at my back instead.

Jay turns the light on knowing it will annoy me and I'll open up to him anyway.

"Did you or did you not see the look on my face when you told everyone about Kelly's junkie days?"

"Erin…" His voice is hesitant.

"Answer me Jay." My voice is sharp and there is no room for argument.

"Yeah… but I said substance abuse problems."

"Giving it a pretty name doesn't fucking change anything."

"Those were the facts to the case Erin."

"No, Jay. He is a first responder, he's family and you wanted to hand down a guilty verdict right then and there. If he was guilty then I absolutely would agree he deserves to pay for the crimes… you know how I am with cases involving kids."

I finally turn around and stare at Jay.

"It seemed like you were defending him." Jay is stubborn as always.

"My gut told me he was innocent."

"Oh, your famous gut. Did you get that from Hank Voight? Along with some other traits?" His accusations hit me in the chest and I scramble out of bed and stare down at him.

"Did you just imply I was fucking corrupt? I would never turn a blind eye if Kelly was guilty. All I asked was that we go into the case with an open mind. If it were you I would certainly give you the benefit of the doubt. Not just because I'm in love with you."

"Not everything you do is… on the up and up." Jay avoids eye contact as those words leave his lips.

"Don't do this Jay. Do you really want to bring other shit into this? Because fine. I covered up for Annie's murder when I was a teenager and I covered up for Hank with Justin's killer but there is a line I will not cross. Annie was being abused by that animal. We were just fifteen Jay… and Hank; well I'd be dead if it wasn't for him. I owe him my life." We stare at each other for a few moments before I continue.

"Just seems like double standards with you."

"What do you mean?" Jay is confused and runs a hand through his hair.

"You have never had a problem with any of that. You knew about Annie before we got together and you knew about Hank before we moved in together. So what the hell is this even about?"

"I don't know Erin, you're the one who is angry."

"You seem angry too Jay."

"I'm angry that you're angry."

"Are you fucking kidding me? I'm actually angry about something and your just bringing up whatever you can to get back at me?"

Jay looks down at his hands in what looks like shame.

 **A/N: Review and I'll get Part 2 up. Hope you liked :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.**

 **A/N: Okay here is part 2! I'm thinking of doing a sequel which will probably be in two parts. Although, it could also be stand alone fic I guess. It will be about Jay and Erin finally opening up about their past.**

 **Enjoy :)**

Hurt Part 2

 _Previously_

" _I don't know Erin, you're the one who is angry."_

" _You seem angry too Jay."_

" _I'm angry that you're angry."_

" _Are you fucking kidding me? I'm actually angry about something and your just bringing up whatever you can to get back at me?"_

 _Jay looks down at his hands in what looks like shame._

"If you want me to be honest-" Jay starts.

"Please do." I interrupt angrily.

"I have a little unresolved anger from a few years ago, when Lonnie was murdered."

It's my turn to bow my head in shame. I feel it consume my whole body until I nod my head and close my eyes.

"I should have had your back. I wish I could go back, I would do it so differently. I've come a long way since then. It's stupid and no excuse but when I offered my help as your partner, tried to get you to open up – you pushed me away. I let you, because if I pushed you away I would have wanted you to listen."

Jay nods his head waiting for me to continue.

"If I could change things, I would have forced my way into your investigation of Lonnie, betraying Hank or not. This was personal to you, you always had my back but when it counted I didn't have yours. We could have taken Lonnie down together. Then when he was murdered, I offered you a good FOP rep… I should have taken personal days and worked the case with you. But I was loyal to Voight so I buried my guilt and pretended it didn't bother me. The look on your face though, before you stormed off… it still haunts me."

"Erin… I can't be mad at you after that. Thank you for explaining it to me, it was hard to push you away but I thought you would run and tell Voight… and then when it seemed you thought I was capable of cold blooded murder… when you didn't sneak me the file or offer help to clear my name... It hurt. I really needed you then. I've always needed you."

"I'm sorry, I need you too. I wish I could undo it all and let go of all my baggage and I wish I broke away from Voights hold sooner. But I need you to know that you're who I'm loyal to now. If it came down to you or Voight, I'd choose you. I'd have your back, no matter the circumstance. I meant it when I said you're the only one I trust."

"I know babe, we can't change the past." Jay offers me a small smile and I try to blink away tears of shame.

"You have saved me so many times, and I can't ever save you." My voice is broken as I look down at Jay.

"You have Erin."

"No, I don't mean out in the field. Of course I have your back. I mean I was broken and you helped me heal but I can't be that for you. And here I am angry at you for something which seems so minor... but I just…" Tears fall down my face but I don't care.

"You have saved me Erin. Every bad case or bad day, you're there. You're all I need when memories come flooding back from my time overseas. When I wake from a nightmare… you're the one I seek."

"Do you see me like that?" My voice is soft and full of doubt.

"What?" Jay is startled by my question.

"A junkie. We both know I've had my fair share of problems with pills. If I was in that situation like Kelly… would you have just thrown away the key and let me rot if I was accused?"

"Absolutely not." Jay stands up.

"Of course I wouldn't, Erin. I would do everything I could to clear your name."

"Then what was today about?" Suddenly, it's important to me as well that we clear the air before we sleep. Otherwise we might bury this and let it fester.

"I don't know… I know you Erin… you could never hurt anyone. High or not."

"Well, I know Kelly. You couldn't trust me on this?"

"Don't remind me."

"What? Do you think the only rational explanation for my actions in defending Kelly is that I had to have loved him when we dated? That's ridiculous."

"Erin, is this about what happened or is it about your dad?"

"Maybe both. I won't lie that these last few weeks, hell months have been hard on all accounts but hearing what you said… it made me feel like I don't deserve you. I mean; I know this, I've always know you could do better. I'm not good enough for you, but I didn't like to hear you imply it." Tears slip down my eyes as I turn around and hide my face.

"Erin, baby. No." He comes over to me and pulls me into his chest. I let him hold me for a few moments before pulling away.

"I'm sorry you felt like that but you have to know that I do not think any of that. I am in love with you, I always will be. You're beautiful and kind and generous and I want to spend every day of my life with you. There is no one better than you, you _do_ deserve me. In fact I want to personally hurt every person in your life who ever made you think you aren't worth it." I nod gently before moving into his arms, letting my tears soak his shirt.

"I'm sorry if I over reacted, I just… when you said that about his drug problem, it sounded like you were telling me I wasn't good enough for you. That you're superior."

"I've had my fair share of problems too Erin, not with drugs but with other vices when I got back from my tours." Jays voice sounds distant and I pull him tighter.

I nod against his chest, loving the feel of his hands in my hair. I feel him take a deep breath before continuing.

"You know in our job we need to detach… you use the words 'skanks' and 'whores' when talking about hookers to detach yourself from their circumstance because you know-"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence." I pull away from Jay again.

"You know I've seen your CI file Erin, I'm just trying to say-"

"You made your point very clear." I cut him off again.

"Erin. Shit. I'm saying all the wrong things; I'm tired and exhausted. Can you please stop pacing?"

"You're the one who wanted to have it out now; I wanted to wait so we didn't say something we would regret."

"Well maybe that isn't helping us or our relationship."

"What? You want to have it out?" I stop pacing and face him, hands on hips.

"No, but I need you to know I can handle your past. I can handle anything you tell me. I'm not leaving you or going anywhere. I'm always going to love you. Just know that I'm here for you, I'm always looking out for you and I've got your back." My hands drop from my hips and I let a small smile grace my lips.

"I'm here for you too you know, you can open up to me about your nightmares."

"I don't get many anymore. Sleeping next to you helps."

"I'm still here if you ever need to talk, or get something off your chest."

"I know, I don't like talking about the things I saw… the things I did." Jays eyes look haunted and he stares behind my head avoiding eye contact.

"I get that, neither do I. Not yet anyway."

"Not yet." Jay agrees and his eyes meet mine again.

A promise of one day in our gaze.

"Are we okay?" Jay asks quietly, we are back in our bed staring at the ceiling and waiting for the other to make the first move.

"Yeah." I reply as he sighs in relief and wraps his around arms around my waist bringing me closer.

"You can do without your pillows for one night." He places a kiss on my neck before running a hand through my hair. I let out a chuckle as I dig my head into the crook of his neck and place a kiss there.

We listen to the sounds of our breathing for a few moments before Jay's lips find mine.

"I love you." He whispers against my lips before his tongue meets him.

He rolls on top of me and his hands are under my shirt.

"I love you too." I whisper out of breath when he moves his lips to my cheek before moving down to my neck.

"That was our first fight." I gasp as he finds my spot.

"You know what that means." I moan when Jay raises his eyebrow at me in that sexy way of his he knows I can't resist.

We spend the night in each other's arms, worshipping the other and silently promising that we will always be right here, together.

We deserve each other.

 **A/N:Thank you for reading. I'm thinking of doing one shots from different episodes in Season 4. I'm working on one in the episode where cops had a target on their back, one where Jay did the DNA test and Erin get's asked what is keeping her there... which we all know what the answer is.  
**

 **If you have any requests please let me know.**

 **To the guest reviewer who mentioned Lonnie, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! It wasn't flowing right until I added that!** **I've actually got a list on my phone where whenever I think of a story idea or one shot I write it down to think about later. I've had on there a while, what it would have been like if she had his back during the investigation, or the murder accusation… or even afterwards feeling guilty she did nothing.**

 **I might explore those story ideas too.**

 **Please review and let me know what you think.**


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